The fight within oneself 

​I compared and weigh myself in many paradigm, with anybody that is not me. I relentlessly parse my friends, scouring for shortcomings and strength; digging endlessly to know how and why they are better than I am. This unsavory state that my mind had come to be has obliviously set me at combat mode with whomever I came in contact with – be it relatives or any acquaintances. In the light of all these my probing eyes and quizzing mind never sleeps.

Unbeknown to me that I am taking a form that, in no time will, be so unrecognizable; someone so banal and impalpable to be called human. I cannot even with clarity recall what my real self use to be. I am lost in the maze of self-worthlessness. The very plague that infested my mind long before I was able to define myself in the manner I can understand. Self-worthlessness the bane of my misery.

My recollection, it was during the carefree days of my primary schools that I were a blurred image of my true self. The days when I ate because of its basic function – to quench hunger. Now I ate to be among the fashionables. Then I wore clothes and apply cream to clad nakedness and protect skin, but now, I wore clothes to be in vogue and apply cream to look like someone else. In those times, I laughed because I am made to laugh and cried because I needed to. Now even my laughter and cry is unreal and hardwork. Those days were the days I was truly happy and earnestly sad because I was in my pristine untainted and unsoiled form.

Then the whirlwind of change and reformation began to sweep away everything that constitute the original me, leaving in its wake a banal, pugnacious and touchy me. I began to flee; I began to hide from my deplorable self. My affliction worsened. A mortal hole was then drilled into my heart; an abyss whose depth is unfathomable. I desired plethora of daft longings. Why do I not have Lucy’s long straight and spot free pair of legs; Why do I not speak effortless English like Angela. Those are the base longings that ply and beset my slimed mind.

I desired my cousin’s tongue, legs, hip, hair even fingers. This is the insanity that I fed on since the plague struck me. Some times I pause and gaze at the heap of dung I have become and shudder in disgust at my loathsomeness and other times I smiled at my brand new self, nod my head in elated affirmation and stride on to fill the void that is ever expanding in my hollow soulless heart.

As days gave way to nights and nights to days in natural succession I became acclimated to my banality; living, breathing dreaming the me I made.

I desired; I yearned; I longed for things so deranged that I became consumed in myself.

But then, I struck a breakthrough, everything I had wanted  I had already, it was only my mind playing games with me. I am imperfectly perfect; with my bold slender shoulders, my heart carved face, sharp edge voice!!. I needed not to be anyone else, just myself. I worked on my esteem; my pride; my attitude.
Low self esteem is mostly seen among youths. We often desire things to look better. With trend of the society, we go as far as plastic surgery. Those things can take us far but deep inside we are not happy. It is only shreds of beautiful girl/boy that is left. No matter how you are, love yourself. Only then can you be appreciated.#selfesteem

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